Brain, n: The apparatus with which we think that we think.-- Ambrose Bierce
Reason, v.i: To weight probabilities in the scales of desire.-- Ambrose Bierce
Consult: To seek another's approval of a course already decided on.-- Ambrose Bierce
Reconsider, v: To seek a justification for a decision already made.-- Ambrose Bierce
Selfish, adj.: Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.-- Ambrose Bierce
Politics: strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.-- Ambrose Bierce
Admiration: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves.-- Ambrose Bierce
Imagination, n: A warehouse of facts, with poet and liar in joint ownership.-- Ambrose Bierce
Absurdity: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion-- Ambrose Bierce
Rational, adj: Devoid of all delusions save those of observation, experience and reflection.-- Ambrose Bierce
Reporter, n: A writer who guesses his way to the truth and dispels it with a tempest of words.-- Ambrose Bierce
Future: That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.-- Ambrose Bierce
Reasonable, adj: Accessible to the infection of our own opinions. Hospitable to persuasion, dissuasion and evasion.-- Ambrose Bierce
WITTICISM, n. A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted, and seldom noted; what the Philistine is pleased to call a "joke."-- Ambrose Bierce
History, n. An account, mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.-- Ambrose Bierce
Academe, n:
An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.
Academy, n:
[from Academe] A modern school where football is taught.-- Ambrose Bierce (The Devil's Dictionary)